|Episode No.||Title||Release Date|
|1||Pilot||15 June 2012|
|Look to the north. Keep looking. There's nothing coming from the south.|
|2||Glow Cloud||1 July 2012|
Men are from Mars; women are from Venus; Earth is a hallucination; podcasts are dreams.
|3||Station Management||15 July 2012|
|There's a special place in Hell. It's really hip. Very exclusive.|
|4||PTA Meeting||1 August 2012|
|What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.|
|5||The Shape in Grove Park||15 August 2012|
|A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.|
|6||The Drawbridge||1 September 2012|
|Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?|
|7||History Week||15 September 2012|
|It must be 3:23 PM somewhere. Maybe space?|
|8||The Lights in Radon Canyon||1 October 2012|
|We are living in an immaterial world, a ghost world, and I am an immaterial girl - a ghost.|
|9||"PYRAMID"||15 October 2012|
|"Nice bolo tie," is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.|
|10||Feral Dogs||1 November 2012|
|Eating meat is a difficult moral decision, because it's stolen, that meat. You should apologise.|
|11||Wheat & Wheat By-Products||14 November 2012|
|Today is the last day of your life up to this point.|
|12||The Candidate||1 December 2012|
|Does the carpet match the drapes? No, it doesn’t. You’re the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home.|
|13||A Story About You.||15 December 2012|
|I’d never join a PEN15 club that would allow a person like me to become a member.|
|14||The Man in the Tan Jacket||1 January 2013|
|Biologically speaking, we are all people made up of smaller people.|
|15||Street Cleaning Day||15 January 2013|
|One incorporeal being said to the other, “I’m not here too! Make friends?"|
|16||The Phone Call||1 February 2013|
|If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast incomprehensible universe?|
|17||Valentine||15 February 2013|
|Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.|
|18||The Traveler||1 March 2013|
|Find more ways to work ‘plinth’ into daily conversations.|
|19A||The Sandstorm (Part A)||15 March 2013|
|19B||The Sandstorm (Part B)||15 March 2013|
This is how to be happy.
|20||Poetry Week||1 April 2013|
|Pain is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain.|
|21||A Memory of Europe||15 April 2013|
|Ask your doctor if right is left for you.|
|22||The Whispering Forest||1 May 2013|
|If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded.|
|23||Eternal Scouts||15 May 2013|
|Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they’re young and administer brief electrical shocks.|
|24||The Mayor||1 June 2013|
|The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is Broadway Puppy Ball. The most weird game is Esoteric Bear.|
|25||One Year Later||15 June 2013|
|Fun game. Say "toy boat" over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society and live on alms. Whisper "toy boat' as you die.|
|26||Faceless Old Woman||1 July 2013|
|The human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkled tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic.|
|27||First Date||15 July 2013|
|Production oversight by Tory Malatea, who is holding a small locket. He is not speaking. He’d just like for you to touch the locket. His hand is twisted. His skin is forming into scales. Just touch it once. Just once, okay?|
|28||Summer Reading Program||1 August 2013|
|A bar walks into a bar. The bartender is a snake eating its own tail. The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks.|
|29||Subway||15 August 2013|
|Your body is a temple. A temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements.|
|30||Dana||1 September 2013|
|Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.|
|31||A Blinking Light up on the Mountain||15 September 2013|
Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully, the birds will be sated and leave.
|32||Yellow Helicopters||1 October 2013|
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain.
|33||Cassette||15 October 2013|
You can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun.
|34||A Beautiful Dream||1 November 2013|
Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We're not accepting applications at this time. Please try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.
|35||Lazy Day||15 November 2013|
On this day in history: mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees.
|36||Missing||1 December 2013|
Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. No. It's just the void. Infinite and indifferent. We're so small. So very very small.
|37||The Auction||15 December 2013|
Listen. I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns.
|38||Orange Grove||1 January 2014|
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.
|39||The Woman from Italy||15 January 2014|
Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.
|40||The Deft Bowman||1 February 2014|
You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.
|41||WALK||15 February 2014|
Please move your brain so we can get to the drugs. And stop leaving it there. We've talked about this.
|42||Numbers||1 March 2014|
Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn't a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.
|43||Visitor||15 March 2014|
You won't sleep when you're dead, either.
|44||Cookies||1 April 2014|
At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.
|45||A Story About Them||15 April 2014|
Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say your mother's in the hospital. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen. I'll drive you over there. We'll leave right now. Grab a coat; it's a little cold out. I'm so sorry.
|46||Parade Day||1 May 2014|
If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.
|47||Company Picnic||15 May 2014|
There's a difference between you're, your, and yarn. Yarn isn't even pronounced the same way. It's a completely different word.
|48||Renovations||1 June 2014|
Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you're an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you're an earthworm, actually.
|49B||Old Oak Doors Part B||1 July 2014|
Wonderwall is the only 90's song visible from space.
|50||Capital Campaign||15 July 2014|
Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War Two.
|51||Rumbling||1 August 2014|
Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell man?
|52||The Retirement of Pamela Winchell||15 August 2014|
Most people think pitbulls are dangerous dogs; but, biologically speaking, most pitbulls are just three Shih Tzu's wearing a trench coat.
|53||The September Monologues||1 September 2014|
*static* *rising tones* *abrupt end of episode*
|54||A Carnival Comes to Town||15 September 2014|
Say what you will about dance, but language is a limited form of expression.
|55||The University of What It Is||1 October 2014|
Language will evolve irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower, obvs.
|56||Homecoming||15 October 2014|
I’ve got more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms, 151. I’ve got 151 rhymes.
|Bonus Ep. 1||Minutes||1 November 2014|
|If you're worried your writing isn't good just remember the earth is warming and soon good and bad writing alike will all be underwater.|
|Bonus Ep. 2||What of the Sea?||15 November 2014|
|Remember that all sentences must have a noun, a verb, and the phrase "foolish mortals".|
|57||The List||1 December 2014|
|Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Also beware of gifts of Greek bears. Gifted and bare Greeks are totally okay.|
|58||Monolith||15 December 2014|
|It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the other dog in the fight.|
|59||Antiques||1 January 2015|
|If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever.|
|60||Water Failure||15 January 2015|
|The reason we say "bless you" after someone sneezes is because we know they will die someday.|
|61||BRINY DEPTHS||1 February 2015|
|I let my haters be my motivators. Mostly they tell me I suck, and then I get sad. This was a terrible idea.|
|62||Hatchets||15 February 2015|
|Ask your doctor just who he thinks he is. Say it just like that. Say, "Who do you think you are?" See if he starts crying. I know I would.|
|63||There Is No Part 1: Part 2||1 March 2015|
|History is written by the victors. And then forgotten by the victors. And then the victors die too.|
|64||WE MUST GIVE PRAISE||15 March 2015|
|Don’t bring a gun to a knife fight. Don’t bring a knife to a knife fight, either. Stop going to knife fights altogether. What’s your deal with knife fights?|
|65||Voicemail||1 April 2015|
|Instead of a proverb today, I just have some important news about the stray cats that live outside my apartment. There is the usual one, named Bisquick, who is missing one ear and is terrifying, but today I saw a second one, who is fatter and less terrifying and who I have named The Baron. I will keep you updated as events unfold.|
|66||worms...||15 April 2015|
|When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. But, because of distance, not for millions of years.|
|67||[Best Of?]||1 May 2015|
|“I’m all business,” I say, peeling off my skin strip by strip, showing you what oozes out. “Business to my core.”|
|68||Faceless Old Women||15 May 2015|
|Don’t be afraid of the dark. Be afraid of the terrible things that are hiding in there, and the terrible things they will do.|
|69||Fashion Week||1 June 2015|
|Dress your dog for the job you want, not the job you have.|
|70(a)||Taking Off||14 June 2015|
|A rose by any other name is called something else.|
|70(b)||Review||14 June 2015|
|You say potato, I say potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Yes, this is very good. Let's keep going. Potato. Potato. Potato...|
|71||The Registry of Middle School Crushes||31 July 2015|
|I had a dream in which cow-sized pugs existed. I was on a train, and one loped along outside my window. I'm sorry your dreams aren't as good.|
|72||Well of Night||15 August 2015|
|When someone says, "I'm a dog person," I always reply, "Yeah? Well I'm a lizard person." And then I peel off my face.|
|73||Tryptich||31 August 2015|
|Candles lit, runes drawn upon the floor, sacrifice prepared. Everything is ready for the summoning. I begin the incantation: "Shakira, Shakira!"|
|74||Civic Changes||15 September 2015|
|The word “motel” is an amalgam of the words “hotel” and “murder.”|
|75||Through the Narrow Place||01 October 2015|
|Drake would you like to add you to his professional network on LinkedIn.|
|76||An Epilogue||15 October 2015|
|"Late capitalism" is such a sweetly optimistic phrase.|
|77||A Stranger||31 October 2015|
|I'm a single issue voter. If the candidate is not a baby polar bear, I straight up cannot support them.|
|78||Cooking Stuff: Thanksgiving Special||15 November 2015|
|If a car flashes its brights at you, it's probably a gang, and if you flash your brights back, the gang gives you cake. It's a cake gang.|
|79||Lost in the Mail||1 December 2015|
|Ever wondered how a plane flies? Well the answer is that no-one knows. Pilots are scared to ask. If we ask, maybe it'll stop working.|
|80||A New Sheriff in Town||14 December 2015|
|There are hot singles in your area, and they all died exactly 20 years ago on a night just like tonight.|
|26||Faceless Old Woman (R)||1 January 2016|
|How to have a successful podcast:
|13||A Story About You. (R)||15 January 2016|
|Summer, Fall, feeling sort of but not quite sick all the time, Spring.|
|81||After 3327||31 January 2016|
|You know what would be great? If someone made a movie showing Spiderman's origin story. I'd love to finally see that on the big screen.|
|82||Skating Rink||15 February 2016|
|Be careful what you wish for. Because it probably won't come true, and life is about expectations management.|
|83||One Normal Town||01 March 2016|
|Actually, it's Properties Brother.|
|84||Past Time||15 March 2016|
|Dance like the government is watching.|
|85||The April Monologues||01 April 2016|
|Put your (STATIC) in, take your (STATIC) out, put your (STATIC) in, and (EXTENDED STATIC, ELECTRONIC BUZZING) all about.|
|86||Standing and Breathing||15 April 2016|
|Call me old-fashioned, but I believe there should be only one continent.|
|87||The Trial of Hiram McDaniels||01 May 2016|
|"Them's the brakes, kid" said the most annoying driving instructor ever.|
|88||Things Fall Apart||15 May 2016|
|Wanna feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don’t know what a trombone is and are all named after gourds.|
|89||Who's a Good Boy? Part 1||01 June 2016|
|Remember to compliment-sandwich when critiquing. Example: "That’s an okay shirt you have on. Everything you wrote is bad. You’re wearing a shirt."|
|90||Who's a Good Boy? Part 2||15 June 2016|
|You can tell a lot about someone. By coming into our office, and confessing everything you know about them.|
|91||The 12:37||01 August 2016|
|Here is the church, here is the steeple. Open it up and see all the people screaming about the giant who just tore the roof open.|
|92||If He Had Lived||15 August 2016|
|93||Big Sister||01 September 2016|
|Drive it like you stole it. But you stole it, because you really loved it and you would not like it to be damaged. Basically, drive carefully.|
|94||All Right||15 September 2016|
|This is a doritos world, we just live in it.
(transcriber’s note: someone with better english hearing comprehension than me should fix that.
|Show No.||Title||Release Date|
|1||Condos||25 September 2013|
25 September 2013 - Please keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times. Also, you are under arrest. Why is your car full of limbs? Whose are these?
18 December 2013 - All tattoos are temporary tattoos.
|2||The Debate||10 October 2013|
|Don't judge a book by its cover... By its leather cover... By its human skin-looking cover... Don't ever judge that book.|
|3||Thrilling Adventure Hour & Welcome to Night Vale Crossover||1 October 2014|
|No proverb for this show|
|4||The Librarian||1 March 2015|
|To quote the great Herman Melville: "Call me"|