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List of Proverbs

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Episode No. Title Release Date
1 Pilot 15 June 2012
Look to the north. Keep looking. There's nothing coming from the south.
2 Glow Cloud 1 July 2012

Men are from Mars; women are from Venus; Earth is a hallucination; podcasts are dreams.

3 Station Management 15 July 2012
There's a special place in Hell. It's really hip. Very exclusive.
4 PTA Meeting 1 August 2012
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.
5 The Shape in Grove Park 15 August 2012
A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.
6 The Drawbridge 1 September 2012
Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?
7 History Week 15 September 2012
It must be 3:23 PM somewhere. Maybe space?
8 The Lights in Radon Canyon 1 October 2012
We are living in an immaterial world, a ghost world, and I am an immaterial girl - a ghost.
9 "PYRAMID" 15 October 2012
"Nice bolo tie," is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.
10 Feral Dogs 1 November 2012
Eating meat is a difficult moral decision, because it's stolen, that meat. You should apologise.
11 Wheat & Wheat By-Products 14 November 2012
Today is the last day of your life up to this point.
12 The Candidate 1 December 2012
Does the carpet match the drapes? No, it doesn’t. You’re the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home.
13 A Story About You. 15 December 2012
I’d never join a PEN15 club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
14 The Man in the Tan Jacket 1 January 2013
Biologically speaking, we are all people made up of smaller people.
15 Street Cleaning Day 15 January 2013
One incorporeal being said to the other, “I’m not here too! Make friends?"
16 The Phone Call 1 February 2013
If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast incomprehensible universe?
17 Valentine 15 February 2013
Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.
18 The Traveler 1 March 2013
Find more ways to work ‘plinth’ into daily conversations.
19A The Sandstorm (Part A) 15 March 2013
  • Step one: write down the names of everyone you know.
  • Step two: rearrange the letters.
  • Step three: this will reveal a great secret of time.
19B The Sandstorm (Part B) 15 March 2013
  • Step one: separate your lips.
  • Step two: use facial muscles to pull back corners of mouth.
  • Step three: widen your eyes.

This is how to be happy.

20 Poetry Week 1 April 2013
Pain is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain.
21 A Memory of Europe 15 April 2013
Ask your doctor if right is left for you.
22 The Whispering Forest 1 May 2013
If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded.
23 Eternal Scouts 15 May 2013
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they’re young and administer brief electrical shocks.
24 The Mayor 1 June 2013
The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is Broadway Puppy Ball. The most weird game is Esoteric Bear.
25 One Year Later 15 June 2013
Fun game. Say "toy boat" over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society and live on alms. Whisper "toy boat' as you die.
26 Faceless Old Woman 1 July 2013
The human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkled tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic.
27 First Date 15 July 2013
Production oversight by Tory Malatea, who is holding a small locket. He is not speaking. He’d just like for you to touch the locket. His hand is twisted. His skin is forming into scales. Just touch it once. Just once, okay?
28 Summer Reading Program 1 August 2013
A bar walks into a bar. The bartender is a snake eating its own tail. The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks.
29 Subway 15 August 2013
Your body is a temple. A temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements.
30 Dana 1 September 2013
Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.
31 A Blinking Light up on the Mountain 15 September 2013

Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully, the birds will be sated and leave.

32 Yellow Helicopters 1 October 2013

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain.

33 Cassette 15 October 2013

You can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun.

34 A Beautiful Dream 1 November 2013

Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We're not accepting applications at this time. Please try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

35 Lazy Day 15 November 2013

On this day in history: mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees.

36 Missing 1 December 2013

Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. No. It's just the void. Infinite and indifferent. We're so small. So very very small.

37 The Auction 15 December 2013

Listen. I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns.

38 Orange Grove 1 January 2014

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.

39 The Woman from Italy 15 January 2014

Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.

40 The Deft Bowman 1 February 2014

You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.

41 WALK 15 February 2014

Please move your brain so we can get to the drugs. And stop leaving it there. We've talked about this.

42 Numbers 1 March 2014

Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn't a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.

43 Visitor 15 March 2014

You won't sleep when you're dead, either.

44 Cookies 1 April 2014

At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.

45 A Story About Them 15 April 2014

Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say your mother's in the hospital. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen. I'll drive you over there. We'll leave right now. Grab a coat; it's a little cold out. I'm so sorry.

46 Parade Day 1 May 2014

If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.

47 Company Picnic 15 May 2014

There's a difference between you're, your, and yarn. Yarn isn't even pronounced the same way. It's a completely different word.

48 Renovations 1 June 2014

Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you're an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you're an earthworm, actually.

49B Old Oak Doors Part B 1 July 2014

Wonderwall is the only 90's song visible from space.

50 Capital Campaign 15 July 2014

Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War Two.

51 Rumbling 1 August 2014

Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell man?

52 The Retirement of Pamela Winchell 15 August 2014

Most people think pitbulls are dangerous dogs; but, biologically speaking, most pitbulls are just three Shih Tzu's wearing a trench coat.

53 The September Monologues 1 September 2014

*static* *rising tones* *abrupt end of episode*

54 A Carnival Comes to Town 15 September 2014

Say what you will about dance, but language is a limited form of expression.

55 The University of What It Is 1 October 2014

Language will evolve irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower, obvs.

56 Homecoming 15 October 2014

I’ve got more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms, 151. I’ve got 151 rhymes.

Bonus Ep. 1  Minutes 1 November 2014
If you're worried your writing isn't good just remember the earth is warming and soon good and bad writing alike will all be underwater.
Bonus Ep. 2 What of the Sea? 15 November 2014
Remember that all sentences must have a noun, a verb, and the phrase "foolish mortals".
57 The List 1 December 2014
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Also beware of gifts of Greek bears. Gifted and bare Greeks are totally okay.
58 Monolith 15 December 2014
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the other dog in the fight.
59 Antiques 1 January 2015
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever.
60 Water Failure 15 January 2015
The reason we say "bless you" after someone sneezes is because we know they will die someday.
61 BRINY DEPTHS 1 February 2015
I let my haters be my motivators. Mostly they tell me I suck, and then I get sad. This was a terrible idea.
62 Hatchets 15 February 2015
Ask your doctor just who he thinks he is. Say it just like that. Say, "Who do you think you are?" See if he starts crying. I know I would.
63 There Is No Part 1: Part 2 1 March 2015
History is written by the victors. And then forgotten by the victors. And then the victors die too.
64 WE MUST GIVE PRAISE 15 March 2015
Don’t bring a gun to a knife fight. Don’t bring a knife to a knife fight, either. Stop going to knife fights altogether. What’s your deal with knife fights?
65 Voicemail 1 April 2015
Instead of a proverb today, I just have some important news about the stray cats that live outside my apartment. There is the usual one, named Bisquick, who is missing one ear and is terrifying, but today I saw a second one, who is fatter and less terrifying and who I have named The Baron. I will keep you updated as events unfold.
66 worms... 15 April 2015
When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. But, because of distance, not for millions of years.
67 [Best Of?] 1 May 2015
“I’m all business,” I say, peeling off my skin strip by strip, showing you what oozes out. “Business to my core.”
68 Faceless Old Women 15 May 2015
Don’t be afraid of the dark. Be afraid of the terrible things that are hiding in there, and the terrible things they will do.
69 Fashion Week 1 June 2015
Dress your dog for the job you want, not the job you have.
70(a) Taking Off 14 June 2015
A rose by any other name is called something else.
70(b) Review 14 June 2015
You say potato, I say potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Yes, this is very good. Let's keep going. Potato. Potato. Potato...
71 The Registry of Middle School Crushes 31 July 2015
I had a dream in which cow-sized pugs existed. I was on a train, and one loped along outside my window. I'm sorry your dreams aren't as good.
72 Well of Night 15 August 2015
When someone says, "I'm a dog person," I always reply, "Yeah? Well I'm a lizard person." And then I peel off my face.
73 Tryptich 31 August 2015
Candles lit, runes drawn upon the floor, sacrifice prepared. Everything is ready for the summoning. I begin the incantation: "Shakira, Shakira!"
74 Civic Changes 15 September 2015
The word “motel” is an amalgam of the words “hotel” and “murder.”

Live Shows
Show No. Title Release Date
1 Condos 25 September 2013

25 September 2013 - Please keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times. Also, you are under arrest. Why is your car full of limbs? Whose are these?

18 December 2013 - All tattoos are temporary tattoos.

2 The Debate 10 October 2013
Don't judge a book by its cover... By its leather cover... By its human skin-looking cover... Don't ever judge that book.
3 Thrilling Adventure Hour & Welcome to Night Vale Crossover 1 October 2014
No proverb for this show
4 The Librarian 1 March 2015
To quote the great Herman Melville: "Call me"

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