The horoscopes are a recurring segment on Cecil Palmer's show on Night Vale Community Radio. While they generally follow the pattern of regular horoscopes, Cecil occasionally uses them for personal attacks or subtle requests. Through this, we have learned some characters' signs.
Similarly macabre horoscopes are sometime shared on the official Night Vale Podcast Twitter account, @NightValeRadio.
Podcast Horoscopes Edit
Virgo: Go see a movie today. It’s a great escape! Especially from all this pollution and dangerous UV radiation! Say, is that mole new?
Libra: Your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down. Hopefully, there are some lottery numbers or sports scores in there!
Scorpio: Curse you. Curse your family! Curse your children! And your children’s children! Vile, vile Scorpio.
Sagittarius: Eat well today! You’ve earned it! And by “it,” I mean “massive food allergies”! And by “earned,” I mean “acquired”. I should proof this stuff before I read it out loud. Let’s try that again. “You’ve acquired massive food allergies!” Yes, much cleaner. Eat well!
Capricorn: Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again…
Aquarius: the white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars. Invest all your money in this lucrative street game.
Pisces: YOU’VE WON A BRAND NEW CAR!
Aries: You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today’s smell is wheat grass and toast.
Taurus: Today is your annual Crime Day. All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.
Gemini: You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life, and who you will immediately forget. Retain hope for a possible future.
Cancer: “I’ve gotta pay my phone bill, and also get some more milk.” That wasn’t me talking. That is what the stars say today. Interpret it as you will.
Leo: It’s better that I don’t read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family that you love them.
Leo: Need a penny, take a penny. Have a penny? Take another penny! Pennies are worthless, but go ahead and take them all. Build a great fortune only to have its great copper weight crush your lifeless pauper body.
Virgo: Don’t shoot the messenger, Virgo! It’s noisy, and will alert others of your crime. Lure the messenger inside. Make sure no one saw him come in. Choose something quieter than a gun. Perhaps suffocation, or an accidental fall. Really plan these things out. Stop being so trigger happy, Virgo!
Libra: Do you believe in ghosts? You don’t? Well, won’t you be surprised when you wake up in the middle of the night tonight! Scream loud enough so the neighbors can hear you.
Scorpio: You are respected by your peers. You are a great thinker and leader. You…wait, what is this? This is definitely not the right reading for a Scorpio, it must be a typo. I bet the stars meant to say: You should hear what they’re saying about you. Very funny things, Scorpio! They’re saying very funny things at your expense, you jerk! Yep, that’s definitely what the stars meant to say.
Sagittarius: The best revenge is living well. The second-best is tasteless slow-acting poison. Maybe it’s more of a tie. Either way, you got wronged, and you need to set things right, Sagittarius!
Capricorn: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, which is better than to have never loved at all, but also somehow lost a love, thus creating a paradox. Paradoxes are bad, Capricorn. Be careful, or logic will destroy you.
Aquarius: Your boyfriend is trapped in an alternate desert dimension. It is difficult to say when he will return. Perhaps take up drinking while crying in a quiet room. Wow! That’s a very specific and…painful horoscope. Thanks for nothing, stars!
Pisces: A train leaves a station traveling west at 40 miles per hour. Another train leaves a station traveling east at 60 miles per hour. These two trains left on different days, in different years, in different countries. How long until the passengers acknowledge their own impermanence?
Aries: I think they saw you, Aries. Hold still. They cannot see you if you do not move. Shhhhhh! Don’t move! Don’t move! Don’t– Nope, they saw you. So long, Aries!
Taurus: Someone misses you a lot, Taurus. And even though you have nothing but endless time trapped out in a nightmarish desert hellscape, you have a hard time making a phone call longer than ten minutes. Maybe call a bit more than you do, Taurus! Yep, that’s just some astrological advice from the stars.
Gemini: You know those eight spiders a year you eat in your sleep? Well, they add up. They are all organizing a pretty dramatic escape. Very soon, Gemini! Very soon!
Cancer: “The ocean is vast,” you convince yourself, walking alone between the trees. “The sky is endless,” you mutter repeatedly, trying to finally lull yourself to sleep. “Matter can neither be created nor destroyed,” you contemplate, despite not understanding the first part of the statement. “What’s on the Food Network tonight?” you say aloud to a stranger you have known for years.
Virgo: You should check under your bed before you go to sleep. That way the thing hiding in your closet will think you haven’t realized where it is yet.
Libra: All eyes are on you. Gross! Give them back!
Scorpio: Mars is intersecting with Mercury, which means your head is weirdly big for your body, and no one wants to tell you because they don’t want you to have the grace of self awareness. Ugh! Scorpios.
Sagittarius: You worry too much about earthquakes and plane crashes. You’re going to die of heart disease or cancer, just like everybody else.
Capricorn: Stop throwing your money away on expensive cars and nice clothes. The owners of those cars and outfits do not appreciate the crumpled dollar bills you keep throwing on them! And anyway, if you want to throw something away, that’s what garbage cans are for.
Aquarius: You’ve been so stressed lately. Why not just sit outside tonight, relax, look up at the stars, and know basically nothing about the world you live in.
Pisces: Scorpions are not as dangerous as everyone thinks. Try to concentrate on that. It’ll help you feel a little calmer tomorrow.
Aries: I know this is a hard time for you, Aries, but remember: 'tis better to have loved and lost. It’s really great, just the best.
Taurus: Step on a crack, break your mother’s back. Pick up the phone, break your mother’s tailbone. Take your coffee with creamer, break your mother’s femur. The wizard’s spell has gone terribly wrong, and you must not move at all until it is reversed.
Gemini: You will meet a tall, handsome stranger. He will introduce himself, you will come to know him well, and he will know you well. He will grow older. His skin will sag and thin. He will no longer be handsome. He will no longer be a stranger. He will no longer be most of the things he once was. He will be a close friend, an old friend, one you’ve known for years, and with whom you are settling down into that final stretch of life. But he will always be tall. So tall. Very, very tall.
Cancer: I’m not saying this is bad news, but the stars just say “Aaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!” I mean, maybe that’s a good sign, right? Right? It’s a very inexact science.
Leo: Today is your lucky day! Which is good news, because tonight is your unlucky night. But enjoy this lucky day until the sun goes down. Until the very second the sun goes down. And then…and then…
Aries: Aries, you have much in common with a tree. A sadness that no one can see, or understand. Communication only through silence and wind. Skin made of wood. The way you collect sustenance through roots buried in soil. You are very, very much like a tree. Almost impossible to tell the difference.
Taurus: Taurus, today is the day that you change everything. Oh, I’m sorry. I misspoke, I’m sorry. Uh, let me try that again, OK? *Ahem* Today is the day that everything changes you. You will be completely unrecognizable. Yeah, that’s it. There ya go.
Gemini: How scared are you of centipedes, Gemini? I mean, no reason. The stars are just asking. Like, are you super super scared, because I can’t say for sure, but you’re pretty brave, right? Like, you could handle a couple of centipedes! You could handle a bunch of centipedes! Right, Gemini? No reason. I’m just asking.
Cancer: Today is an excellent day for you to demand a promotion, to approach the one that you’ve been secretly thinking about for years, to try your hand at that new hobby that you are considering. Unfortunately, it is a terrible day for getting that promotion, having that person say yes, and not injuring yourself badly on a power sander. But you should at least feel great about the attempt.
Leo: There’s just a thick, green smudge here, and the word “cryptotoxicology.” So I guess that’s a good thing, right?
Virgo: Now, wait. There are still some of you left? How did you survive the great culling of Virgos that swept through – oh! You know what? I’m sorry, that’s not ‘til next week. Sorry, I got confused there. Oh, yeah, today looks very good for you, Virgo! Maybe use this lovely day to get all your affairs in order. Just a thought.
Libra: All your dreams will come true today. Or…I mean, one of them will. You know that recurring dream where you’re chased through a house that seems like your own, but it isn’t quite, by a swarm of bees that you can’t see even though you totally know that they’re there? Well, it’s not that recurring dream, it’s the other one. And I am so, so sorry.
Scorpio: Your arms look weird. And your face is a natural irritant. And your personality leaves much to be desired, the principal desire being your immediate absence. You disgust me, Steve Carlsbe–…I mean, Scorpios? Ugh. Scorpios, right?
Sagittarius: Buy a tourniquet. The best that money can buy.
Capricorn: Today’s lucky number is imaginary! But, coincidentally, so are you, and your entire experience of the world.
Aquarius: You wanna make some money fast? I don’t know, rob somebody. Commit fraud. There’s lots of ways.
Pisces: You’ve just won another brand new car! You stare bleakly at your home filled with stacks upon stacks of new cars, occupying every possible space at impossible angles. Today’s brand new car is wheeled in and as you feel its bulk pressing up against you, taking the last bit of your home that had still been yours to live in, you feel tears hot upon your cheeks. Congratulations on your prize!
Leo: Bet all your money on red! All those material possessions were only weighing you down. Soon you will be in many ways freer than the rest of us.
Virgo: You know that one spot on your back that itches and itches and itches and you just can’t stand it? Well, good thing: you won’t have to deal with that or anything else after tomorrow night.
Libra: Draw your loved ones closer to you. That first drawing you did was no good. No, draw them closer to you. There’s too much white space on the page! How are your loved ones supposed to love you if you can’t even draw them right?
Scorpio: OK so, I think we all know by now that this is the sign of... ughhh, Steve Carlsberg. Who is my sister Abby’s husband. Now, usually the horoscope just happens to turn out something quite mean for Scorpio. Purely through the unknowable combination of fate and random chance that is the meeting of the stars. But, Abby said that the stars had better knock that off! Especially if they want to be invited to their niece Janice’s first ballet fight. So, let’s see how this goes. Scorpio. Things are looking bright. What a great day you have before you! Look how clear the sky, how green the grass, how dumb and oversized your feet look. No really, I hope you don’t trip or rip your pants not even once! How terrible it would be if that happened. But, it probably won’t through, so there you go. Scorpios…
Sagittarius: Ahahahahahaha, aahahahahahaha, aaahahahahahaha!
Capricorn: Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world. The blood-dimmed tide is loosed upon the world and everywhere. So, your home carpentry project will not go well next week. There’s just too much blood.
Aquarius: OK, you are just two dogs in a trench coat, Aquarius. I mean I hate to break it to you, but you have no opposable thumbs, or language skills. And you’ve always been two dogs in a trench coat! Yes you are, yes you are! [kissing noises] Now go outside! Good dogs!
Pisces: If you don’t have anything nice to say, try saying something mean. I mean there are lots of options for things to say.
Aries: Ooh. OK, so this horoscope is just a picture of a bear. And next to the bear is a lizard and next to the lizard is a pelican. And there’s a combined speech bubble above them all that says, “We regret the storm that took your lives.” And they’re each smiling and cheers-ing some mugs of beer together. And they have their feet up on skulls. And if you look really closely you’ll notice that they’re not standing on a pile of sticks, but on a pile of human bones?! And unfortunately I believe that in this cartoon, Aries – you’re the pelican!
Taurus: No sunshine for you, Taurus! Nope! The sun’s light has been blocked, but only for you. Oh yes, everyone else will walk in sunny rays, sunshades and shorts, wide smiles and hat brims, SPF 50 and a Frisbee at the beach. You will likely lose feeling in your skin due to the cold of a sunless world. Good luck!
Gemini: They say an onion has many layers. Gemini, you are like that onion. Time has peeled away, one after the other, each of your hard, pungent layers: snap, snap, snap! They pry off and urgent fingernails pry away the remnants as you grow smaller, wetter, less complex. Ooh, also like an onion, your odor makes us cry.
Cancer: Well this just says “chainsaw accident”. So I bet that’s a metaphor for something really good!
Aries: Isn’t it funny how you drive on a parkway, but then according to your horoscope you’re going to die on a driveway? It’s weird, right?
Taurus: Today will be lots of things for you, Taurus. Blood-free will not be one of those things. No.
Gemini: There are many organ donors, but did you know you can also register to be an organ collector? Yeah, it’s actually very easy, all you need is a scalpel and some clay jars. But anyway, you should definitely register as an organ donor. By next Thursday. At 11 AM. If you can.
Cancer: Aim for the moon, Cancer! Even if you miss, you’ll still hurdle forever through the silent vacuum of space. Cold and alone. So really, aim for that moon, OK?
Leo: Lend someone a hand, Leo. You have a whole trunk full of hands, don’t be greedy.
Virgo: Happy birthday, Virgo! But, OK today isn’t technically your birthday, but it turns out that any day could be your birthday if you ignore artificial and oppressive ideas about time.
Libra: Authorities found your body last night, Libra. They need you to come downtown to identify it. Yeah. [makes mind-blown-explosion noise]
Scorpio: All of your dreams will come true, Scorpio! We have a super difficult relationship but I still love youuu! [long silence] Ugh, Scorpios.
Sagittarius: Your life is full of endless possibilities. Some of those possibilities are dismal. A few of them are terrifying. And one of them will eventually kill you. But hey, there’s also like a whole bunch where you are just eating a burrito and reading a book by Zadie Smith and just generally feeling OK with the world so hey, at least there’s that.
Capricorn: Some things are better left unsaid, Capricorn. And those things are carved in limestone and buried underneath your home. So please leave them unsaid. Because who knows what you would end up summoning.
Aquarius: There are no dumb questions, Aquarius. Only dangerous ones, so watch your mouth; and watch your neighbors’ mouth--what kind of questions are they asking? Snitches get stitches, Aquarius! Snitches. Get. Stitches!
Pisces: If you believe in infinite possible universes, then hey, somewhere there’s a world where you don’t have a wolf spider on your shirt right now.
Tweeted Horoscopes Edit
Tentacles. (Doesn't matter your sign. The stars all say "Tentacles.")