The Community Calendar is a reoccurring segment on Night Vale Community Radio, wherein a list of municipal goings-on and general town events are listed.
|2 (Glow Cloud)||
"And now, for the community calendar.
Saturday, the public library will be unknowable. Citizens will forget the existence of the library from 6 AM Saturday morning until 11 PM that night. The library will be under a sort of renovation. It is not important what kind of renovation.
Sunday is Dot Day! Remember: red dots on what you love, blue dots on what you don't. Mixing those up can cause permanent consequences.
Monday, Louie Blascoe is offering bluegrass lessons in the back of Louie's Music Shop. Of course, the shop burned down years ago, and Louie skipped town immediately after with his insurance money, but, he's sent word that you should bring your instrument to the crumbled ashy shell of where his shop once was, and pretend that he is there in the darkness teaching you. The price is $50 per lesson, payable in advance.
Tuesday afternoon, join the Night Vale PTA for a bake sale to support Citizens for a Blood Space War. Proceeds will go to support neutron bomb development and deployment to our outer solar system allies.
Wednesday has been cancelled due to a scheduling error.
And on Thursday is a free concert. And...that's all it says here."
|10 (Feral Dogs)||
"Let's have a look at the Community Calendar.
This Sunday afternoon, the Night Vale Fire Department will be holding its Bi-Weekly Fire Person Appreciation Parade. All of the town's firefighters will be riding through Main Street on their bright red engines, which will be turned into floats depicting some of the greatest fires in Night Vale's history. One of my personal favorites is the 1983 Earthquake Dust Fire, when tremor-initiated fires became so intense that the airborne sand burst into deadly flames. Nearly the entire city population was lost, and the FDNV does a fantastic job capturing the drama with streamers and paper mache. The Fire Department would like to remind Night Vale citizens that the parade is free, and to check your coffee makers and gas stoves before you leave home, because they will not fight any fires while the parade is happening.
On Monday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests.
Tuesday night is the Boy Scouts' Court of Honor. The BSA will name its first-ever Blood-Pact Scouts — the rank just above Eagle Scout. So far, no scout has attained the coveted position of Eternal Scout, but we have heard that two local boys, Franklin Wilson and Barton Donovan, have earned the Invisibility Badge, which is a prerequisite for the rank. Well done, Frank and Barty.
Wednesday afternoon is the City-Wide Fitness Fair at the Rec Center. Last year's event was cancelled, as it was held on the same day and at the same time as the Fried Chicken and Cigarette Fair. This year's event, however, promises to be a huge success, as they have secured a large corporate sponsorship from The Intelligence Group International — who will provide free prostate screenings, mammograms, and surgically-embedded government monitoring devices.
Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.
Friday is an oasis. Only a metaphor for something unattainable. A haunting dream of meaning for our lives, but don't look! Turn your head. Your life is here. Stay here. You are alone. You are so peacefully alone. That's it. Yes. Goooood."
|18 (The Traveler)||
"Here's a look at the community calendar.
8 PM Thursday at Dark Owl Records, Curtis Mayfield reads from his new book, Where Am I? I Cannot See, Cannot Feel, Do Not Know Where I Am Or How Long I Have Been Here: A Memoir.
Friday afternoon is free admission day at the Children's Science Museum. After school, take the kids to the newest exhibit, 'Frogs: Truth or Legend?'. They've also installed a new interactive learning room, where young scientists can play freely with such scientific items as paint thinner, nail polish remover, glass cleaner, and a half-empty bucket of grout starter.
Saturday has been merged with Sunday to create Superday!
Monday will not harm you, but you should stock up on latex gloves, nonetheless.
And Tuesday is hornet-free dining at the Olive Garden."
|22 (The Whispering Forest)||
"And now a look at the community calendar.
Monday is the opening of the new exhibit at the Children's Science Museum. The exhibit is called 'The Moon Is A Lie'. It explores how the moon is a government-created myth to keep us all from knowing about the ancient alien machinery that controls the oceans. In the hands-on learning room, children will be able to make their own moons out of styrofoam and aggressive propaganda, just like the Masons did.
Tuesday, Buddy Holly returns to Dark Owl Records. There will be no performance or book signing, and no one will see him. He will just hover over music lovers' shoulders and disapprove of their misguided musical tastes. Incorrect shoppers will receive a bout of uncontrolled sobbing and a horrifying chill up their spine from the legendary rock-n-roller himself.
Thursday is Recycling Pickup Day. Paper goes in blue bags, plastic in clear, and any teeth you have lost because of last week's public water mishap should be gently placed in a wooden box and set afire.
Friday at the Night Vale Recreation Center are cooking classes for beginners. Amateur chefs can learn about knife skills, the basics of baking, and a seminar about whether or not deer feel pain or are just sad.
Saturday afternoon is a secret parade. You will know where and when it is if and when you are chosen to see its secret floats and hear its secret songs.
Sunday is the day we decided last fall we would clean up around here. You promised. We need to clean up, okay? And that's this Sunday! Don't make other plans, you always do that! You are always doing that!"
|27 (First Date)||
"And now, the community calendar. Monday will be the annual Bluegrass Festival, held in the burned-out shell that used to be Louie Blasco's music shop, before he lit it on fire and skipped town with the insurance money. Participants can huddle among the ashen remains, casting haunting looks at each other and sharing some of their favorite bluegrass dirges. Legend has it that if you look into a mirror and say absolutely nothing three times, Louie himself will appear and teach the crowd some simple, easy bluegrass licks before taking your soul back with him into the dark of the mirror.
Tuesday is a holiday. Make sure you have adequate emergency supplies and plenty of clear plastic sheeting. We're not sure which holiday it is, so have all possible antidotes on hand.
Wednesday, the staff of Dark Owl Records are getting a band together. 'We know a lot about music,' they'll say, grabbing knives and hammers. 'We should start a band, definitely!' they'll continue, over the screams. 'Let's get a band together. We should do that!'
Thursday through Sunday will be a blur of routine and practicalities, a series of moments and actions that we will fail to notice as we experience them and will forget the moment they are gone.
This has been the community calendar."
|34 (A Beautiful Dream)||
"More on this as it develops, but first a look at the Community Calendar.
This Friday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be putting on a live concert. They will be scratching madly at the sides of a deep pit in a rarely-traveled part of the desert. They will also be screaming, and starving. They will be crying and clawing; no one will hear them for days. They will be found, but they will not be the same. Tickets are not available, and never were.
Saturday afternoon is Amnesty Day at the Night Vale Public Library. Librarians request that if you have overdue books, or have committed any high-level international crime, or domestic treason, or space-travel felony, you should just come to the library, and all will be forgiven.
The Librarians say that they will not harm you. In fact, they add, "It doesn't hurt at all. Amnesty is actually quite freeing, quite delicious." the Librarians explained. "You will never have to worry about anything else. Just come to the library and let us see you. Let us see you!" they added for emphasis, and a long string of spittle flew sideways from their great yellow and gnarled teeth.
And, on Sunday night... Ah! Oh, um, I cannot read this. Uh, listeners, it looks like someone printed a very ancient prophecy here, right here in our station's Community Calendar. For fear of a curse of misfortune I will not read it aloud, just know that the prophecy is complete on Sunday night. Okay, okay, I'll give you a hint. Umm, let's just say...comets, burning rain, animal uprising... okay, Cecil, enough, you've told them too much, let them have their surprise!
Monday was never meant to be, but it will be anyway. We will wander within its moonlit beginning, and end, wondering how such a thing could happen – how anything could happen. We will be appreciative, but a little frightened, completely ignoring the persistence of time and the limitations of our own understanding.
Tuesday is a joke. A terrible, terrible joke."
|Live Show 1 (Condos)||
"More on this as it develops. But first, a look at the Community Calendar.
This Friday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be holding a clearance sale. 'EVERYTHING MUST GO!' they will declare on a bright banner with a thick font. 'Music is old! It’s ancient! It cannot tell the stories of our lives, our souls, our societies any longer!' the banner will read. 'It cannot mean anything! It cannot give you what you need! Buy this music, and eat this music!' the banner will say in bright yellows and blues. 'Tear it into plastic shards and swallow it! It knows not what it has wrought on our world!' the banner will exclaim to excited music lovers. 'Let it shred you from within as we laugh from without!' the banner will announce. '40% off all CDs, 70% off all posters! Friday only!'
Saturday afternoon is the opening of the new Kid’s Unlearning Wing at the Museum of Forbidden Technologies. Well, this wing has been built, but no one is certain where. The museum staff says that they kids interested in unlearning all about forbidden technologies, as well as those kids who are uninterested…well, in fact, all children, the museum says, will eventually be chosen during sleep. They will wake up late one night in this new wing, experiencing all the magic and wonder of unlearning.
Sunday morning, the Night Vale PTA will be holding a raffle. Tickets are only $2 each, and the winner (as usual) will never be heard from again.
Monday has been rescheduled to Wednesday, and Wednesday has been doubled.
Tuesday…oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, man. Uhh, you don’t even want to know. Or, you do want to know, but the powers that be don’t even want you to know, so you can all just be properly surprised.
This has been the Community Calendar."
"Let's go now to the Community Calendar.
Tuesday, there's a false start. A mistaken understanding of time. Tuesday, we will wake, and walk to our normal places – our showers, kitchens, cars, desks – only to find the day never began. We will slowly notice an absence of all matter, all light, all time. And then, as suddenly as we false-started, we will begin our actual day. And everything will happen the same. Only, because of our awareness of it all, it will happen differently. Less differently at first, but more differently later.
Wednesday will take forever. Foreeeeeeevvvvvveeeerrrrr. Not literally, but very near literally. Ugh! Wednesday hasn't even gotten here, and I already want it over with!
Thursday, a faint outline of a dull face will appear in the dark as you try to sleep. You will notice its blank stare; its straight, expressionless lips; its thick brow; and the subtle hint of slow collected breaths. It will seem to be watching you, curious about you, as if it were not from here. It is not from here. You will lock eyes. You will barely be able to make out the face's humanoid features but you will know, deep down, it is not human. Not human at all. 'What does it want?' you will think. Probably nothing. Let it go. Get some sleep.
Friday is an open house at the Night Vale Community College. Thinking of furthering your education? Considering taking winter semester classes? Well, it's a trap! Do not go near the Night Vale Community College this Friday. Ha! Nice try, giant worms, but we know your tricks! Faking a Community College open house is very obvious, don't you think? I mean, it was a nice touch, creating a fake press release to get into various news outlets like ours, but we see through you! No, we really do. Your skin is translucent, and it's kind of gross. No offense.
Saturday, everyone is their own person. You are free to disregard others and recognize yourself as one, for once. Pour some wine, draw a bath, light some incense, and grab a city-approved novel. It's your time.
Sunday will be full of regret. Also, joy. Also, laughter. Also, conversation. Also, long stretches of unmemorable moments. It will mostly be that last thing. In your old age, as you look back on your life, if someone were to ask what happened on that Sunday – you remember, that one Sunday, with the regret, and joy, and laughter, and conversation – if someone were to ask you that, you would be hard-pressed to come up with a single memorable moment from this coming Sunday.
This has been the Community Calendar."
"–which I haven’t done, by the way, in years! Or, at least, days. Or at least, I’m not doing it right now!
Thursday is a lost cause, but we will keep on fighting. We will get up, say “Yes! Today is a different day than before!” believing this against all evidence, eating food like that matters. Going to jobs that mean the same thing as they did before, but cast in a new light by our own optimism, which will slowly drain away until all that is left is the movements and thoughts we’ve had before. Echoes of ourselves, underlined to emphasize the lack of emphasis. Coming home, drifting home. Aimless homeward wandering into a kitchen that is too small for our needs, and eating food that isn’t what we imagined it would be. And watching television that means more to us than our jobs. And, finally, falling asleep – in which we dream of the Thursday that could be…if only we lived Thursday to the full potential of its Thursday-ness, not expecting it to be anything but Thursday, embracing every inch of its Thursday reality, and living each Thursday moment anew, only to wake the next Thursday, and again impose, unsuccessfully, our imagined Thursday onto the unyielding frame of Thursday. Our Thursday. A lost cause.
This has been the Community Calendar."
Note: This instance was cut off by Dana's extradimensional dialogue.
"Let’s have a look at the Community Calendar.
This Wednesday night, the Night Vale Community Theater will be holding auditions for the musical “Into the Woods.” Interested thespians should bring night-vision goggles, glass cutters, a breathable ski mask, and quiet shoes to the First Night Vale Bank.
On Thursday, the Museum of Forbidden Technologies will open their new exhibit, called “Thought Crimes.” Anyone who attends the exhibit is obviously interested in learning about forbidden technologies, and will be arrested immediately. Tickets are available on the museum website, and…here’s a tip: They can’t arrest you for buying tickets if you’re in your own home. They can, however, use tear gas to flush you out, and then arrest you.
Friday afternoon, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing black pants and chain mail veils.
Saturday night is the grand opening of Night Vale’s newest restaurant, Tourniquet, featuring Executive Chef LaShawn Mason, who was previously a sous chef for Night Vale’s top-rated fine dining establishment, Shame. LaShawn hopes to bring classical French cooking into the 21st century, with a mix of molecular gastronomy and human remains. Tourniquet offers a prix fixe menu for $35, featuring choice of appetizer, entree, dessert, and sudden awareness of a hideous suppressed memory.
Sunday morning is. Period. It just is."